Heidi-lites cont.

Heidi-lites
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Processing the Process
If you’ve never had blond highlights done by a professional before, here’s what you’re in for. It’s a lot like cooking an exotic dish, right there on your head. Once the ingredients have been assembled, the hairstylist divides your hair into sections using a complex divining process known only to beauticians. Certain chosen sections have the bleaching agent applied to them using a stiff-bristled brush and are then sealed in folded bits of tin foil. If you are very lucky, your hairstylist may allow you to contribute to the process by handing him or her the foil when requested. Believe me, it really deepens the experience.

Once all of the required sections of hair have been painted and foiled, the hairstylist applies an unidentified fluid – basting liquid perhaps – to the rest of you hair and wraps a strip of cotton batting around your hairline. Your head is then covered by a very stylish shower cap and roasted in a 450 degree dryer for 10-15 minutes.

When the thermometer on the side of your neck pops out, you are escorted to a sink where the shower cap, cotton and foil pieces are removed. You are given a quick rinse and spice rub, and then an industrial-strength conditioner is applied. Your head is subject to another shower-cap deployment and a further 5-10 minutes in the oven. The hair is then shampooed, cut and styled, et voila. You are ready to be served.

In the following weeks, you will notice a change in the texture of your hair. It will be a lot more dry and may be more difficult to comb through. I would advise you to use a shampoo and conditioner designed specifically for color treated hair for at least the first week.

Bon Appetite!

When you have your hair colored, there is a period during which you sit and wait for the dye or bleaching agent to make its mark. I used my break in the action to scour every magazine available at the salon for a picture of Heidi Klum and her oh-so-girlish and very blonde hair. Lolita came over and joined me, but to no avail. This amazed me. You can’t hardly make it through a televised sporting event without a quick clip of Heidi in her Victoria’s Secret skivvies, and yet in a stack of fashion mags there’s not a single picture of her. There’s probably a fantastic opportunity to lampoon the modern advertising industry in there somewhere, but frankly I was too shocked to dig it out. Before I knew it, I was being whisked off to the shampooing sinks.

I wasn’t expecting a whole lot of physical discomfort from this particular girlish experience, but I will say that the smell of the bleaching agent when it’s being rinsed off is toe-curlingly awful. It’s the olfactory equivalent of chewing on tin foil. I think I must’ve let my poker face slip there for a moment because the hairstylist launched into a brief discussion of the toxic nature of the fumes then rising from my scalp.

“You know, they’ve done studies on the fumes from this stuff and it’s, like, it’s really bad for you.”

Seriously?

“Yeah, they found that a lot of us who’ve been working in this industry for a while, we have, like, a lot of brain tumors and stuff like that.”

Oh my gosh, you’re kidding!

“No.”

Wow, that’s, uh, that’s pretty bleak.

“Uh-huh.” Pause. “This is going to look so fabulous on you.”

It was then time to negotiate the haircut. Looking back, I realized that my needs could’ve been summarized easily by simply saying, “cut me some bangs.” However, I was still clinging to the notion that mentioning Heidi Klum would somehow carry a deeper connotation of femininity.

“Heidi Klum… she sort of has a shag, right?”

I… guess so. Does a shag have lots of layers?

“Yeah.”

OK, no. That’s not what I was thinking of. Less layers. And just, like, sort of longer, shaggy bangs.

“You want bangs?”
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