I used a depilatory cream on my lower legs. The instructions on the pastel-colored tube directed me to apply the cream in one thick, even layer and leave in place for a period of time not to exceed ten minutes. Above all else, the tube warned, DO NOT RUB IT IN. No potential side-effects were given for wayward in-rubbing. After the appropriate period of time, the tube told me, I was to remove the cream with water or a wet washcloth, provided of course I didn't use the cloth to accidentally RUB IT IN. There were further proclamations from the tube: I was to wash my hands thoroughly after application; I was not to handle food until my hands had been washed; and I should avoid at all costs getting the cream in my eyes.

Suitably impressed, I squeezed a quarter-sized plop of cream onto my hand. With the appropriate care, I smoothed it onto my leg in what I thought was an even layer. Sadly, it's next to impossible to achieve even-layerness. I had go over the same area again, dangerously flirting with a RUBBING IN incident. I found most of the cream deposited itself between my fingers, one of the few places on my body that isn't hirsute. Resigned to the wastefulness of NOT RUBBING IN, I finished applying the cream and set the timer for 10 minutes.

It didn't take long for the cream to make itself known. I couldn't tell you for sure if it was working, but I can say that it hurt. Intensely. It was as though someone had smeared Sterno all over my legs and set them alight. Aside from the burning sensation, I was almost overcome with the smell of the cream. The fumes were choking, acrid and invasive, not out of line with what one would expect police to loft at your local neighborhood riot.
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