Now in Smell-O-Vision
So what causes the intense smell associated with depilatory creams? Well, the active ingredient in many of these hair removers is something called Acetic Acid. You may recognize acetic acid from your favorite bottle of vinegar. If you'd care to imagine just what depilatory cream smells like while busily melting the hairs off your leg, try grabbing a bottle of apple cider vinegar. Shove the bottle under your nose and inhale repeatedly. Now, close your eyes and imagine that all the apple-y sweetness has been stripped away. Imagine that all that's left is that potent, sour, painful smell that makes your eyes water and your mouth burn. Take that offensive smell and increase the intensity by a factor of 10. You're getting warmer.
To this olfactory image add a harsh metallic note, sort of like burning aluminum. Then top it all off with an offensive dollop of cocoa butter. Increase the intensity by another 45%. Sounds like fun, doesn't it?
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At the 7 minute mark I decided I couldn't make it any more. I started the water in my bathtub running ice cold and thrust my legs directly under the tap. The cream slowly began to dissolve, revealing red-mottled skin and a collection of shriveled half-hairs. That's right, it appeared that the cream had actually melted my hair.
I grabbed a washcloth and started wiping. I didn't care at this point about RUBBING the remaining cream IN. I just wanted the burning to stop. Most of the wilted mess wiped off, although patches of limp hair refused to leave. After a while, whether due to the water temperature or the mysterious “skin conditioners,” the pain subsided. Disturbingly, though, my legs felt partially numbed. It was as though someone had laminated my skin. It still looked red and irritated, but I couldn't connect that image with an actual sensation anymore.
So after all this, did the cream work? In a word, no. Most of the hairs were melted off at or just above the surface of the skin. In other words, this horribly uncomfortable process was slightly less effective than shaving.
