By Natasha

• Moe's Tavern Shopper
  
• The one where Casey got a stick to the chest
  
• And then Terry offered…
  
• Oh, never mind.
  
• It’s too frickin’ weird.
  

Lessons for the LoG
Oh, Legion of Goon. There’s so much you can take away from this, aside from the asses that have just been handed to you. I know you’ll probably use this experience to fan the flames of your Craftsman-level toolishness, but if you do want a few pointers here they are:

1. This is not the NHL. Therefore, there is no 2-minute penalty for closing your hand around the puck. There isn’t even a puck around which to close your hand. If this were the NHL, your goalie would’ve had a delay of game penalty every time he stood there reviewing the latest National Security Council brief entitled, “Where you should play the ball: How to waste time in a crushing loss.”
2. If Casey calls you a dumbass, don’t come back at her with, “who are you calling dumbass, dumbass?” The correct response is, “I know you are, but what am I?”
3. When you fail to knock someone over, you will not get an A for effort. You either knock the person over or you accept that you are the worse alleged “goon” in the history of ever. Perhaps you should rename the team “Legion of Namby-Pamby Sissy-Pants.”
4. No one can hear you when you whine. Actually, scratch that. Everyone can hear you when you whine, and it makes everyone think you’re obnoxious.

Keystone Light Player of the Game
I know everyone will think I’m being politic here, but this win was a team effort. Any time your defenders have to play the whole game without substitutes, you’re not going to win unless everyone chips in. I don’t know who Bill is, but Mike definitely lead the charge in pitching back on D and he had some nifty scoring chances too. The official KLPOTG rulebook states that in the event of a tie, the can goes to the guy called Mike. So Mike, this Keystone Light’s for you.

Quote of the game
I know there’s some stiff competition from certain improvised chest protectors, but I still crack up every time I think of Jimmy saying, “where is that broad?”

Amber
Please come home! We miss you! You play good and also, I’m old and I need my beauty rest. Please?!

Next week’s game
OK, team, this is a big one. We’re playing the Enforcers at 2:00. They are the only other undefeated team in the league. We will be without Jimmy (where is that gent?) and Andy, and possibly also Mike. My friend Greg will be subbing and there is a rumor afoot that Marty may join us. It is my sincere hope that Amber will be in attendance. If anyone cannot make it, please let Steve know.

Until Sunday, my friends.

[Shopper ends.]