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By Natasha
- Moe's Tavern Shopper
- The incredibly rushed edition
- Featuring an imposition of biblical proportions
- Visited upon us by Terry
- Oh, Terry.
Book of Moe, Chapter 1: On the resourcefulness of the Moes
And so it came to pass on the second day of the fifth month that two great, undefeated enemies came to meet upon the slippery floor of a steamy high-school gymnasium. But their fortunes were not equal, for the mighty Moes were struck low with shorthandedness, unable to muster Jimmy the Traveler, Mike the Injured, Andy the Charitable, or Sean the Inexplicably-not-there. And although they were joined by Greg of Loose, and although Moe himself saved Amber of Holst from exile, still they were so afflicted as to have only three menfolk and three womenfolk for this mighty battle.
And so it was that Moe came upon a plan, and lo! It was a good plan, full of simplicity and tactical soundness. Not wanting to curse himself and Greg with the burden of playing 40 full minutes, having seen how this laid waste his defensive core not one week ago, and mindful of Eric’s offensive abilities, Moe set forth and did recruit the goalie of another team. They called him Tim, for this was his name. And although brave Tim was viciously smote in the Johnson during warm-ups, still did he pledge the Moes his service. And in this time the Moes came together and nodded and winked and felt that perhaps all would be well with the world.
Book of Moe, Chapter 2: On how the Moes were tested most cruelly
But lo! As the mighty warriors worked out their strategy, a small man, being
burdened heavily with equipment and incompetence, wandered onto the field of battle.
And lo, did Terry the Frustrating take up this small man’s cause and, preying upon
the natural good-humor of the Moes, did he force this small man onto their team as a
substitute. This small man from parts unknown called himself Jeremy, for it is far
easier to say than “annoying freak with no talent.” And yea, how heavy was the
burden of the Moes.
Then came the Enforcers with their face-high follow-throughs and powerful shots sent to test the intestinal, and once again genital, fortitude of young Tim. And then did Jeremy begin to suck in earnest, his confusing and random positioning driving the Moes to distraction. On they slaught with their onslaught, heeding not the score of 10-5, nor the general disaffection of the bedraggled Moes. Mighty was their effort, though woefully misplaced.
Book of Moe, Chapter 3: On the lesson learned that day
Yea, but the Moes were downtrodden. Only after 40 minutes of slaughter were they
freed from their burden, bidding Jeremy be gone and his bad karma with him. Yet they
suffered not long in silence, for their anguished leader stood tall before them and
declared, “never again shall I allow Terry to dictate my roster. Nay, Terry, let
my roster go!” And great was their rejoicing.
[here ends the text of the Book of Moe]
Analysis
OK, so that was brutal. Still, I agree with Moe and Casey. If we’d been
full-strength or even close to full-strength I don’t see us losing this game. Tim
seemed to have a hard time seeing anything above his midsection (let’s face it,
after a double nutting he was understandably preoccupied). If we’d had Sean I
think some of those goals would not have gone in. Also, if we weren’t all carrying
a chunk of Jeremy’s suck on our backs we would’ve done a better job of
preventing those shots.
Quote of the game
Jeremy to NJ: I have your spare stick.
NJ: That’s fine. Are you left-handed?
Jeremy: Yeah, I guess. I’m not really sure.
KLPOTG
This is a tough one again. Steve deserves credit for not choking Terry. Eric
deserves credit for staying positive and genuinely trying to get Jeremy to stop
spazzing. Casey worked her tush off as usual, and Greg was a tireless contributor on
both ends of the floor. However, I’ve got to give the Keystone Light Player of the
Game award to Amber because she was there! Also, she laughed at all my nutting
jokes. Oh yeah, and she played a strong game and improvised really well on a couple
of plays.
Next week
There is no next week. There is only the void. Please report for duty on May 16. If
you are unable to do so, please tell Moe.
[Shopper ends.]