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By Natasha
- Moe's Tavern Shopper
- Featuring Marty’s triumphant return
- Sadly, Marty has not become a woman
- Which is great for Casey
- I’m just sayin’… we need girls!
Friday the 13th Part XXIVCVXII: Jeremy still sucks
I’m not going to say this thing was over before it started, but when you look across the floor and see the shifty, sweaty, awkward vortex that is Jeremy between the pipes, you kind of lose your sense of urgency. True to form, Jeremy dragged his temporary teammates to depths of ineptitude not witnessed since… well, since he subbed for us two weeks ago.
Paranoid: it’s not just a bitchin tune by Sabbath
I swear to Jeebus, Tom really is trying to kill me. Sure, all you guys ever notice
is the disarming smile and the good-natured laughter. You just wait until he drills
a shot at your head. Then you’ll see…
Moe’s Twister
With the end a foregone conclusion, Moe’s entered an experimental phase during
which we learned Jimmy makes a fine Sean, Casey makes a good forward, and I can go
3-of-5 on faceoffs against Tom (he’s just trying to regain my trust… he’s got
six dumpsters earmarked for me…). I also reaffirmed my status as the
most-explosive choker in league history by once again crumbling into a fit of
hysterical giggles at the sight of a wide-open net. Ah, Andy. It’s not that I
didn’t hear you screaming, “shoot the puck!” It’s just that I thought the
team would be better served if I laughed my ass off.
Final tally
16-2. Ouch!
Quotes of the Week
In the end, Casey was right. I couldn’t limit this to just the one quote. So here
are the top three:
Sean: Man, who passed out the passing pills?
Casey: Are you sure that’s the quote of the game? I mean, Jeremy is their goalie.
Jimmy: I’m just concerned about their legs.
KLPOTG
This is going to be controversial, but I feel this award should go to the player who
influences the game in the most profound way. So by that criterion, I have to give
the coveted silver can to Jeremy. No one murders the hockey hopes and dreams of a
team quite like him.
Weekly Amber Alert
I still believe in you, Amber! I know you’re not like Santa Claus and the Easter
Bunny! You do exist, and you’re a part of our team! Love you, honey! Come home!
Next Sunday
e’re playing the Enforcers at 2:00. Here’s the story: we need to beat this team
to assure ourselves of the number 1 seed. Furthermore, if we lose and the Legion of
Goon wins, we will drop to number 3. Last time we played this team, we were horribly
short-handed and they wiped the floor with us. We all said that if we were at full
strength, there’s no way they would’ve beaten us. Well, let’s put our money
where our mouth is. I’m no Kurt Russell when it comes to motivational speeches,
but I think we deserve to win this game and that’s how we should play. And
furthermore, I refuse to be maimed by Tom as anything less than the top seed.
So if you’re not able to make it this weekend, please let Steve know as early as possible. If you are able to make it this weekend, come ready to do battle in the mighty Moe’s Tavern tradition. And in closing, never forget that Jimmy stands up for our legs.
[Shopper ends.]