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By Natasha
- Moe's Tavern Shopper
- The Man I Love Hockey edition
- Because I'll take any kind of hockey
- Honestly, I'm not picky
Lockout ends! Lockout ends!
After a clandestine meeting with league reps at the Chilli's Express in O'Hare, Moe hammered out a deal to end the lockout that has already caused the cancellation of one full season. And not a moment too soon, as some of us missed our Sunday hockey fix so badly we'd taken to drinking heavily and elbowing random strangers on the train. Sadly, Moe was forced to accept the implementation of a hard salary cap. So just be prepared; it may be a while before we take delivery of the monogrammed Moe's Tavern boxer shorts and our Player of the Game sponsor has been down-graded to Aspen Edge.
Back with a vengeance
What better way to rip the safety seal off a new season and dig out the
annoying wad of protective cotton than with a big win? Despite roster
challenges that included the now comical lack of women and the loss of Moe's
hall-of-fame goalie Sean, we dished out a spirited butt kicking reminiscent
of, well, almost every Moe's season opener since winter 2001. We had
high-quality help from two Tom's team subs, goalie Eric and extremely female
Alicia. The best part about this win is that the other team didn't seem to
suck as much as some of the other punching bags we've faced in the past.
Their goalie was sorta decent and they had a couple of guys who ran around a
lot. Awe, who am I kidding? They were less organized than the contents of my
head. Final tally, 11-1.
Terry in Memoriam
You all know I love Sean. I love his attitude. I love his goaltending style.
I love the way he makes everyone around him smell like a bar at closing
time. But when it comes to reffing, Sean's no Terry. Sure, he knows the
rules and sure, he actually watches the game instead of eavesdropping on all
our sideline conversations. The thing is, he gives me no quotes. When Terry
was around, this rag pretty much wrote itself. Every week he came up with
some new chunk of bizarre semi-wisdom, from offering us lodging at a phantom
cabin in the Carolinas to telling Casey he'd be her chest protector. When's
the last time Sean gave up meat for me? Never, that's when.
Quote of the Game
Sean: "You guys are a little out-of-shape, aren't ya?"
See, now, Terry never would've been that bitchy.
Aspen Edge Player of the Game
Ooh, gee, this is a tough one. I think I'm going to give it to Greg for
general scoring prowess. By the way, we've got some quality forward pairings
this season.
Recruiting news
All hail the mighty hockey gods! We have a goalie! His name is Scott and
neither Moe nor myself have met him. But what the hell, right? He's a goalie
and he's ours. He's also going to try and find some women for us, because we
really need them. There's never a line at the Moe's Tavern ladies room. In
fact, we may consider renaming the team "Moe's Freaking Boy Scout Troupe."
Seriously, if you learn only one thing from this Shopper, let it be this:
there are not enough women on this team.
Thank you for your consideration.
Sincerely,
Natasha and Tricia's legs
[Shopper ends.]