HOME
By Natasha
- Moe's Tavern Shopper
- The Spent Fuel Rod Edition
- Not that we're radioactive or anything
- I just like saying, "spent fuel rod"
- Hee!
News Flash: Moe's pulls a Max Papis
I was at Michigan International Speedway that summer day in 1999, when my favorite driver held a comfortable half-straightaway lead over the competition coming into the final corner. And then you heard it -- the sickening moan, the roar of the engine whithering to a pathetic grumble. And you saw it plain as day: Max Papis was slowing down. He'd run out of gas 500 feet from the finish line. Before you could turn to you neighbor and say, "someone on that crew just got fired," six cars had passed him by. It was agonizing. Here was a guy who'd had the perfect plan, and he'd executed it perfectly well. Except for the part where he was missing half a litre of ethanol. And that, my friends, is the Moe's Tavern May 1 experience in a nutshell. We came. We played our guts out. we stayed focused. And then clunk. We burned up all the energy we had. And man was it ugly.
News Flash: Where is everybody?
One main reason -- indeed, some might agrue the only reason -- that we got so darn tuckered out was that there were six of us. The crack Moe's floor hockey performance squad was limited to myself, Missy, Tricia, Scott, Steve and Greg. And while that group makes for some intriguing square dancing combinations, it's ill-suited to 40 minutes of hard-hitting full-court play against the unfailingly obnoxious Hale's Inc.
In-Depth Analysis: What the hell is going on here?
OK, I don't want to delve too deeply into Shove-gate or Abu Shove or the Shove Heard Round the World or whatever you want to call it, because I think it's the symptom rather than the sickness. And if we treat the symptoms instead of looking for the underlying cause we'll lose every time. The thing about Hale's Inc is that they're irritating. That's their game plan. They want to rile up their opponents because they feed off that energy. It makes them stronger while making us more flustered. Consider the first half of this game. Hale's didn't come out swinging; they started swinging when they were losing 2-0 and couldn't make a dent in our defense. They kicked it up a notch in the second half and unfortunately we fell for it. We let them get under our skin. Granted, we were all a short, downhill trot from cardiac arrest at that point in the game. And granted, Hale's were buttering us up with layer upon layer of salty obnoxiousness. And granted, I'm pretty sure the Dalai Lama would've knocked that girl on her ass if she'd held him down in that manner. But the point is, from the moment Hale's knew they'd gotten a rise out of us, they had an extra spring in their step.
News Flash: Greg wins KLPOTG, named honorary FeMoe
In an ironic turn of events that brought the brothers and sisters of Moe's Tavern a little closer, we had only two male forwards in this game. That lead to, among other things, some interesting three-chick formations and a herioc performance from Greg. With his mother watching proudly from the stands, Greg played the entire game at break-neck speed, racing from offense to defense in the blink of an eye. As the seconds wound down, Tricia and I tapped our Advil bottles against our icepacks in the ultimate show of respect.
News Flash: Next Sunday forecast to suck less
Game time this week is 1:00 pm and we will once again be facing dilligas, the team with the seven foot drunken goalie. They had a couple of very talented shooters, so let's try not to look past them to our rematch with the LoGs in two weeks. As always, if anyone can't make it you need to let Steve know. We seem to do better when we have, you know, subs 'n stuff.
Thank you for your time.
[Shopper ends.]