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By Guest Moe, Natasha
- Moe's Tavern Shopper - Dale Earnhardt memorial edition
- See The Intimidator. Be The Intimidator.
- Just don't drive into any walls.
We're a goddam runaway train
Maybe it seemed like last week's opponents were the worst excuse for a floor hockey team ever. It turns out they were actually covering for this week's opponents. Man, there are at least, like, five more rings of floor hockey hell beneath what we experienced in week one. I'd list a few highlights, but there isn't any point. The final score says it all: us 18, them 2.
Do you forgive me, big guy?
At least I managed to partially make up for last week, when Marty threw me
more passes than a drunk at closing time and I failed to convert any of
them. What was is you said, Marty? I "fanned like an air conditioner"?
Anyway, this time out I was able to snap one past the sad little man in the
net. Poor bugger.
Natasha, who's Dale Earnhardt?
Well, my little taverner friend who obviously lives under a rock, Dale
Earnhardt (aka, The Intimidator) arguably was the greatest NASCAR driver in
history. He drove into the wall on the final turn of the Daytona 500 on
Sunday and was killed instantly. This is a massive downer for many reasons,
not least because he took my hopes of winning $50 off my brother's friend to
the grave with him.
Fun with Figures, Part 1
I checked the SportsMonster website to do some scouting on next week's match
up. The team we're up against, "Sue's Crew" (we're killing them in the name
department all ready), won a close one this week. There are two
possibilities here: one is that both they and their opponents suck; the
other is that the two teams are pretty good. Thus, we stand a 50% chance of
playing a team that isn't uglier than toilet training my niece.
We knew there were quality teams out there. It's time to pick up where The Intimidator left off. This is no time to ease off the throttle, kids. We need to pour it on and just keep pouring, like Sean the Goalie at a post-game bar. We need to bump first, shake hands later. We need to wear creepy racing suits and inscrutable sun glasses. We should all grow handle-bar moustaches and flip people off when we pass them. Dale Earnhardt wouldn't let the lack of decent competition lull him into a false sense of security. He'd fight like hell whether he was racing the best drivers in the world or a bunch of grannies on Sunday. We're obviously dealing with slightly lower stakes here. The chances of someone being violently killed during a floor hockey game are more remote than Woodsy's log cabin. And Big Tobacco has yet to put up a $1 million purse for the next floor hockey champions. But is the glory any less... glorious? I think not.
Fun with Figures, Part 2
I also got a little communiqué from the Monster. Seems they've lost the
results of the Week 1 games and they're asking the teams to report for them.
I know we won that game, but my memory lasts about as long as that goalie
did on Sunday. Another thing I noticed is that goals scored will be one of
the factors used to determine the playoff seeding. Currently, we're in
second place behind our old friends, the Ernst and Young team. They're the
ones we vanquished in the semifinals last season. So as you think back to
that first game, don't be afraid to pad your stats like a freaking
wonderbra. I'll just average the responses.
In conclusion...
We now have five days until we meet Sue's Crew across the dusty floor of
history. Go out and live your lives. Have some beers. Eat some food. Find a
girl. Settle down. If you want to, you can marry. Just show up on Sunday
ready to kick the ever-loving pants off those goons.
I will now return you to your regularly scheduled afternoon, all ready in progress.