By Guest Moe, Natasha

• Moe's Tavern Shopper: Playoff edition
  
• Experiments in style and content
  
• 'cuz there's not much to say about a 15-1 ass-whuppin'

1. Lisa: I don't think we're going to work up much of a sweat today. Natasha: I don't know; it's pretty hot in here.

2. Mike (on why we shouldn't go drinking with the other team): What are we going to do? Play keep-away with their beer?

3. Ref (to other goalie): I don't want to tell you how to live your life, but you might do better if you use your stick.

4. Natasha: Are you impugning the integrity of John Cougar Mellencamp? Marty: He was just John Cougar then. Integrity goes out the window.

5. Lisa: I usually look to see how red Natasha is to see if I need to come in or not.

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Bracket
For those of you who aren't aware, we got totally screwed on our playoff seeding. It's not even worth going into the how and why. Suffice to say if I run into any of the worthless losers who were responsible for this, they will be dealt with most severely. I think we all remember the case of the kneecap-ripping asshole, and where is he now? Out of hockey.

Anyway, in order to defend the title of Best Damn Sunday Co-ed Floor Hockey Outfit Ever, we're gonna have to win three games in one day. Some people would respond to this sort of superhuman challenge by straightening up and flying right. But I prefer to become strange and ritualistic. Starting now...

Half a Loaf of Next Week
Step one in our cultish transformation is to shed our identities and take warrior names. Cate, from now on you are Christiano Da Matta. He's small, he weighs 100 pounds soaking wet. But once he gets his nose in there, nobody ever gets around him. Sean the Goalie is Hrothgar, the giver of rings with his endless cups of mead, and Moe is Beowulf, hero of the Geats. Marty is Schumacher. Revered. Reviled. Indisputably dominant.

Crash is now Strashnost. In Russian it means both insurance and fear. Think about it. Woodsy is New Hampshire, remote and rustic with a somewhat inappropriate fanatical motto. Mike is Shaft, cuz he's a bad mother -- shut yo mouth!

Lisa is Lance Armstrong. This is no comment on the condition of Lisa's testicles; I just mean that she's a biking warrior. Michelle and Lora are The Zombies and Santana respectively, both of whom topped the charts with the song "She's Not There". Dizzy is Mai Gou Pi Jou. In Chinese, it means American Beer. Sorry, I'm running out of inspiration here.

I'll be Krasna. In Yugoslav, it means both red and beautiful, thank you so much Lisa.

Rumble in the High School Gym
OK, Step two should probably have something to do with sweating out our impurities. So do something sweaty. I'm leaving this wide open for you, people. If you need suggestions, you're just not trying hard enough. Step three should be the Moe's retreat, where we all gather at the Beachwood and do visualization exercises on bridging the gap between biscuit and basket. Then Step four, of course, is actually winning the games, but not before completion of Step four a, guzzling huge amounts of water and fruit so we don't all pitch it with a grabber.

I have a good feeling about this, guys. Just remember Lake Placid in 1980. Do you believe in miracles? Frankly, I don't. But I do believe we're a kick-ass hockey team with a legitimate shot at SportsMonster's highest prize. Speaking of which, y'all know there's no championship sweatshirt this time around, right?

-nj