By Guest Moe, Eric

• Moe's Tavern Shopper
  
• Brought to you by Hamburger Helper
  
• Um, there's no Hamburger in here
  
• it's all Helper
  
  

Surprisingly enough, a great smack talk phrase can originate from the grand sport of tennis. During my Freshman year, I played on my college's tennis team. In my first game, I defeated my opponent 6-4, 6-2. Looking back, I did not do it because of superior equipment, physical size, or dominant power. As a teammate later said later that day, I simply got in "my opponent's kitchen". A phrase was born.

Getting in one's kitchen means frustrating and angering a person beyond comprehension. In tennis, I would chase down every shot. When playing the tall guys, I would make them feel insignificant by lobbing the ball over their head, or drive shots right at their feet. If my opponent liked playing a quick game, I would mysteriously tie my shoes or arrange my tennis racquet strings. Sometimes, I would tie my shoes after every point of a game. If a shot was wide or deep, I would yell "no!". I would even call shots that my opponent made "in", even when they were clearly "out". Why? I wanted him to think my eyesight was bad.

Why would I go to such lengths? The more my opponent thought about anything besides his tennis game, I gained the advantage. I believe "getting in their kitchen" helped. I won more games than I lost for all three of my seasons. No other teammate had a winning record in any of those three years. I beat a team's best player once my second year.

Now, you must be asking yourself, "What is your damn point? I read the Shopper for witty one-liners, not for some inspirational Tony Robbins crap! Who replaced the Rookie with Jack La Lane?" Well, gentle reader, this week we got in the other team's kitchen, and cooked a nice gourmet meal. It was not Hamburger Helper, and it did not contain "flavor packs" or "precooked pasta". Moe's Tavern got the cutting board out, cut up some fine vegetables. We trimmed the fat off the chicken. We spent a full hour in the minds of our opponent. The kitchen door was wide open, the oven was preheated at 350 degrees, the vegetables were fresh, and the wine was fine.

Now comes the lesson. When we get in a team's kitchen, expect team to push. Expect them to swear. Expect them to cry. When that happens, laugh at them when they push, swear, and cry. Think of the fat kid in "A League of Their Own." When they get mad, place your thumbs to your head with your palms out to our opponent. Waggle your fingers at them and repeat, "You're going to lose" several times. Make sure to us a high pitched, grating voice.

We did a lot to get in that nice, cozy kitchen. Marty scored in the opening seconds. Sean the Goalie stood on his head and denied our opponents. Our defense left no shot unchallenged. There were no cheep rebounds. When they tried to get the ball in deep and kick it out to the point, we forechecked and created odd-person chances. They had no ideas. At halftime, I heard a guy say, "I have no ideas".

Everybody played well. We cooked well. We made them push, swear, and cry. When we play like that again, expect the same.

Keystone Light Player of The Game
For those who have won the award, look at your can. It states, "Always Smooth, Never Bitter". That is what the award is about. It is for a performance for smooth play in the face of bitterness. In that same vein, our defense faces bitterness ever second of the game. They take shots off of sensitive areas. People job them in the corner. After the game, our defense cannot reminisce about goals or assists. They don't "deke". They are a machine created for two purposes: keep the ball away from Sean the Goalie and advance the ball forward so we may score. One could say that they are genetically engineered, a result of some sort of eugenic experiment. I believe our defense are a collection of cyborgs, programmed to seek and destroy all those who challenge their mission.

The grand point of this diatribe that every winner is deserving of the prize. To openly say otherwise insults the effort of the winner, both present and past. Plus I have a girlfriend with which I am happy. She will be there to watch next week. If you say that again, I will send her to kick your ass. I won't bother with getting in your kitchen.

Jennifer Tescher won this week. She got jobbed in the corner. I didn't matter to her. She continued to hustle, throw her body into the mix, and send the ball up the wall. A great defensive performance.

We have two cooking classes next week. One at 1:30 and the other at 2:30. Bring a dish to pass.