HOME
By Guest Moe, Natasha
- Moe's Tavern Shopper Summer Blow-out Sale!
- Buy one Shopper, get another one FREE!
- Zero money down, Zero percent financing
- And no payments until Fall, 2001!!!!
Dear Sir or Madam,
Are you tired of playing for/supporting that same old crappy floor hockey team? Well, of course you are! We here at Moe's Tavern know how you feel! We've been one of the best damn floor hockey teams in the tri-state area for three consecutive seasons, and half our players never show up! That's why we're writing to tell you about this special, once-in-a-lifetime offer to jump on our bandwagon! If you join right now, you'll get more than just the 2001 Spring runners-up... you'll also get these exciting features:
Smack-A-Tron 3000
The artist formerly known as Dizzy just keeps those hits a-coming! Never
satisfied with his season tally, he took time last Sunday to pack another
opposing female off to La-La-Land. And he can score, too, if you yell at
him! Order now and we'll throw in Jen Tescher's instructional Smack-Talk CD
at NO EXTRA CHARGE!!!!
The De-Throner Package
Got a pesky defending rec-league champ in your way? Not a problem for the
crew at Moe's! We bring the shame, with classic one-liners like this one:
-
"What about the swearing, ref?"
"Awe, fuck, he's right!"
The Brick Wall
It all starts with defense, and Moe's boasts the finest foursome of female
blueliners this town has ever seen! And if you get it past the ladies, we've
got the best goalie who ever strapped on pads after a night of heavy
drinking! You might get one past us, you might get two past us... hell, you
might even get four past us; but five? Not a chance! Well, only on very rare
occasions...
But wait! There's more!
That's not all you get with Moe's! There's also the joy of post-game cokes
at Beaumonts; the weekly shot of hockey humor that is The Shopper; and, of
course, enough repetitions of The Cowboy Song to make your ears bleed! Plus,
you get the satisfaction of knowing you're supporting a team that plays hard
and fair, except when Dizzy gets "a little tired and a little dirty".
How much would you pay for this incredible offer? $1000? $2000? Please? Hold your wallet there, Mister (or Miss)! With this special offer all these incredible features can be yours for right around $60, depending how many people sign up for the team! Don't delay! Act now and receive a second scintillating Shopper as soon as Dizzy writes it! Time is running out... Book your place on the floor hockey team of the century TODAY!
Disclaimer
Moe's Tavern cannot be held responsible for any scars, injuries, or
emotional trauma incurred while playing hockey, thinking about hockey, or
even reading this e-mail. Although Moe may periodically order you to sleep
with your stick, that hardly constitutes an endorsement. He's kidding,
jackass. Moe's reserves the right to reject members for any number of silly
and arbitrary reasons. For example, if you can't hear the obvious
similarities between "Hurts so Good" and "The Cowboy Song" you may as well
not even apply. By signing on with Moe's, you agree to be renamed
periodically for the purposes of a championship run. Moe's does not require
its members to play drunk or hung over, but you might want to try it out
once or twice. Especially during the playoffs. Offer void where prohibited
by law. This e-mail will self-destruct in five... four... three... two...