By Moe

KEYSTONE PLAYER OF THE WEEK Julie Kremer

• Moe's Tavern Shopper
  
• brought to you by
  
• available for a short time only
  
• at the Beachwood jukebox
  
• and Marty already played a pussy song
  
• from it..."if you're not gonna go to
  
• the Beachwood after the game,
  
• you're gonna miss a lot"
  

CONTRARY TO WHAT MARTY SAID
Marty was mistaken when he said later, hours after the game, that I did not score. I did indeed score, in the first half, and I believe Mike and Natasha received assists. I went upper glove side. Yes, I know I missed many golden opportunities than that, but in this time of crisis I do not think it is right for Marty to spread such lies.

GAME REVIEW
I don't really remember a lot of it, it was kind of like a glorified scrimmage - or, not even glorified. I know Marty scored a lot, and I assume he did a lot of fancy-schmancy stickhandling while doing so. But enough about Marty, whose fantasy football team isn't nearly as good as he thinks it is. Let's talk about Cate. She was wearing Army pants.

YASKAWA
For those new to the team - Julie - Yaskawa is a company that makes machines that make machines. Marty does something there, we're not sure what.

THREE SOLOS
For those new to the team - Julie - "Cowboy Song" has three solos and sounds like John Cougar Mellencamp.

MEMBER NEWS
Mike may be joining the Yaskawa Ping-Pong Lunchtime League. Lockerroom gossip has it that he may take a job near Yaskawa. Maybe Marty can pick him up on the way to work and they can ride the Highway to Hell together.

YASKATERIA
For those new to the team - Julie - Marty entered a cafeteria naming contest at work. His entry: Yaskateria. Marty lost.

COORS LIGHT PLAYER OF THE GAME
Julie Kremer 00 at hotmail.com. An impressive debut that had many of us saying, "Eric who?"

ALUMNI CORNER
This week, Alumni Corner visits with Eric Emery, the Rook. Future shoppers will visit with other alumni, perhaps even Casey, if she can ever get over not being the first alum asked to participate. (e-mail exchange between the Rook and Casey:
Did you get this too?
No, I guess you have to score a goal and ride a fake horse to be considered Alumni material.)

1. Rook, what do you miss most about Moe's?
Did not answer.

2. Why did you leave Moe's?
"Grad School + Football season."

3. Did you ever sleep with your hockey stick?
"No, (but) mixed with my single lifestyle and penchant for cheap vodka, I may consider it."

4. What was it like riding to games with Marty?
"As you all know, Marty is a very competitive person, who is not afraid to confront his teammates in an out-spoken manner. Few see the diametrically opposed side of Marty, which I had the pleasure of observing during my trip down to Chicago.

"It should be noted that the pre-game experience with Marty is more than "the drive down to Chicago", but rather, a cornucopia of relaxing experiences, designed to welcome me into the Moe's family. Before the first week, he called me and asked me to arrive a few minutes early. I figured he was going to say, "Don't F it up, we have a good team", or "don't goon it up, F'er, cause I run this team, not Moe".

"My assumptions could not be farther from the truth! First, Marty answered the door clad in a modified apron that read "Kiss the Cook." Red and purple lace ran across the borders of this modified apron. It became apparent that Marty spared no expense. On the coffee table that once housed Hustler magazines and Hot Rod issues on "The Ultimate Super Honda", he presented tea in brilliantly shined sliver, set upon intricately fashioned doyleys. Marty invited to me to sit, gitty with glee, as he sashayed to the back.

"My mind was aflutter with Marty's particular behavior. Is this the same Marty who yelled at me from the outfield? Who is this bazzaro Marty how orders me to "get my shit together" when we play Ping-Pong? To my surprise, Marty exclaimed, "Eric, cccllllooossseeee yyyooooouuuuurrrr eeeeyyyyyeeeessss." I complied, hoping that when I opened my eyes, that this experience was just a dream.

"I heard my tea glass slide away from me, and felt a puff of air from something falling in front of me onto the table. I sheepishly opened my eyes, a welcome mat appeared in front of me. To complete this surreal experience, Marty whispered "Now, we like to have fun and trying your bestis all that I expect. To place your mind at ease, I made a little welcome mat for you." If you asked me hours before if Marty could knit (sorry for my lack of craft knowledge) I might have not bothered with addressing your stupidity. When my eyes focused upon the "WELCOME TO MOE'S TAVERN", I must admit, I felt a bit closer to Marty, in that brotherly sort of way.

"One might wonder how I played in such a relaxed manner, especially as I was thrust upon the field of battle, along with Chicago's most treasured floor hockey franchises. I credit Marty, with his discussion of Orpah's latest book (which I did not read, sorry Marty), ginger-bread cookies, and my personal favorite, those fancy French-named cookies. Even though I cannot remember the name of those cookies, I remember how happy Marty became when I had "one more for the road." I learned a great deal from Marty this spring. I believe, to Marty, these simple things make all the difference in the world.

5. Will you ever wear a Moe's uniform again?
"After the football season."

NEXT GAME
You all are adults, and you all have schedules. You can also go to the Moe's Tavern website if you have questions. Team members who have not submitted a bio should do so. QUESTIONS
Stop asking me so many of them. I'm very tired. I might snap. (letter intercepted about the editor: Steve has been very grumpy lately.

You would think that his dual cassette deck would make his frustration and anger go away but it only adds to things because he can't seem to figure it out. (there are lots of buttons)

He also needs [CENSORED]. SUBS
As always, let me know via e-mail, preferably, if you can't make it to a game, the week of the game, so we can get subs. Jen is out this week. If the women want a sub, you guys can handle that among yourselves, right?

I will settle any disputes by accepting three-paragraph e-mail arguments on each side. Short paragraphs. My decisions will be final. I will allow two sentence appeals. FUTURE SHOPPERS
I have selected future Shopper authors at random. Under no circumstances will you be allowed out of your assignment.
WEEK 2: Cate
WEEK 3: Marty
WEEK 4: Natasha
WEEK 5: Mike
WEEK 6: Jennifer
WEEK 7: Dizzy
WEEK 8: Julie
SEMIFINALS: Moe
CHAMPIONSHIP: Cate