By Guest Moe, Natasha

KEYSTONE PLAYER OF THE WEEK Eric Emery

• This is the Moe's Tavern Shopper.
  
• Seriously.
  
• I'm not joking.
  
• It really is the Shopper.
  
  

It's not reality.
It's reality lite. Moe's Tavern enters the second half of the season with a record as smooth and unblemished as a newborn baby's cheek. Meanwhile, every other team in the league bears the pimples and pockmarks of a teenaged malcontent. This whole season has had a fuzzy, Mae-West-Vaseline-lens feel to it. I'm half expecting to wake up next to Suzanne Pleshette and realize I dreamed the whole season.

(League analysis brought to you by NBC. NBC: don't ever get any real friends.)

Keystone Light Player of the Game
There's some controversy this week, owing to the fact that we shamelessly drubbed our sluggish opponents. Therefore, I have decided to declare both a winner and a runner up. It's sort of like the Miss America pageant; if the Keystone Light Player of the Game pulls a Vanessa Williams and poses for Penthouse, the runner up gets the nod.

This week's Keystone Light Runner Up of the Game is Gail. For the second consecutive week, she's come out on her own time and given her all to our team. And if any of you guys are ever interested in not passing through three opposition players, she's always wide open at the point. So am I, for that matter, but who's counting?

The Keystone Light Player of the Game is Eric "Oxygen" Emery. Most goalies act like brick walls, showing no emotion whatsoever. Eric is a Pat Roy-style bag of nervous energy. He's the Curt Schilling of floor hockey, inadvertantly mouthing the names of upcoming pitches. Not that it matters, because he still beats you. The highlight of my day was watching him brazenly puff off Casey's inhaler right in front of the opposition's bench before serving up another half of monster saves.

(Keystone Light Player of the Game brought to you by Midol. Midol: get out of my face.)

Quotes of the Week
Eric: "I don't know where the ball is."
Cate: "You need to do something to indicate..."
Casey: "Blow the whistle!"
Steve: "The other team was even more sluggish than we were!"
Cate: "Let's start a mud puddle."
Casey: "Terry's been touching me a lot lately."

(Quotes of the week brought to you by the University of Michigan. University of Michigan: Gail and Natasha paid so A-Train and Terrell wouldn't have to.)

Player Notes
Marty will be out next week, which means he'll be unable to dispense any fatuous criticisms. We should see the return of Julie from her sojourn in Colorado. I expect my bruise to be 100% healed by then, and I also expect to receive an identical bruise on the other leg. Anyone planning to not be there should let Moe know as soon as possible.

(Player Notes brought to you by Nike. Nike: see that swoosh on your ass? You're our bitch now.)

Announcement: Up-coming Moe's Event
You're all invited to watch the season premiere of the Simpson's at Cate's house on November 11. Vegetarian tacos will be provided. Tailgating starts at 6:30 p.m. 2119 W. LeMoyne #2. Bring your peeps.

(Moe's event brought to you by Cate Nolan. Cate: it's not a hickey. It's stress.)

That is all.

nj out.

(Natasha brought to you by the Tourism Board of Slovenia, inviting you to visit the cleavage between the pendulous breasts of Austria and Italy. Or something like that.)