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Flaming Moe's song

PAST MOE'S

'Topes Shopper

 Moe's Tavern Shopper - Spring 2002 - Vol. 2

By Cate
KEYSTONE
PLAYER
OF THE
WEEK
 The other team

  • Moe's Tavern Shopper: A game of "As ifs"
  • is brought to you by the letter A-
  • which gives us such words, such as As, Ask, About, and Ass.
  • For example: Don't ask Marty about the ass bar.

The Moe's faithful played a seemingly easy and focused game on Sunday. Sure, our superior fire power and advantageous positional defense usually riddles our opponents. This time, however, our opponents seemed to be short on a few key attributes, such as an offensive scheme, accurate passing, effective communication, and a basic understanding of fundamentals. When one team possesses a clear advantage in these attributes, the refs often times stop keeping score.

Of course, their goalie was much better looking than our goalie, but that is why goalies wear a mask. Not withstanding, a team needs more than a marginal advantage in physical beauty to insert the ball within the red crossbars to score.

It is a challenge to say much about a 15-0 victory, except to rattle off a few "as if" statements ( I think these are similes, as if I know what I am talking about):

  • The flow of the game was as if Gene Hackman instantaneously coached Moe's and derided the players to pass "at least four times before shooting. I think Mike is some sort of reincarnated brother of Jimmy Chitwood. In a related note, it was as if Sean the Goalie went "Dennis Hopper" by failing to show up. (Come on Sean, we need you.)
  • On defense, it was as if our players were not wielding hockey sticks, but cricket paddles. At every turn, shots were being knocked down.
  • Of the four shots that actually cleared the defense, it was as if they were hit not by a conventional hockey stick, but rather those hollow plastic shaft sticks we had to play with in PE.
  • It was as if there was a huge wall guarding the goal, so the opposing team thought it to be wise to pass the ball behind the goal for a while. It was as if they developed their hockey strategy from the movie Mystery, Alaska. The only problem was that the approach used a little too much mystery, and not enough nearly-Canadian geographical influence.
  • Their complaint about our goalie's "delay" in advancing the ball was as if these delays caused their 7-0 halftime deficit. What they soon found out was the faster the goalie advances the ball, the quicker we score. My advice is to enjoy the break while you can.
  • In a post game note, it was as if Cate's disassociated ramblings increased to alarming levels. I'm not a musician or a physicist, but I can't tell you where the songs go, or why the cake was left out in the rain. I just know it took a long time to bake it. Just know that these ramblings were the most interesting part of the lunch, besides Marty's Kit Kat purchase. (Every body knows charitable organizations sell candy bars for $1. When kids sell candy bars for $2, then the merchandise fell off the truck, and Daddy sent the kid in to sell 'em since "I need drink because you talk to talk too much."
Therefore, the Keystone Light Player of the Game is the opposing team, because they played as if they drank a few after their first ten before the game.

-Quasi-Rookie out.

Contact Not Moe.