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By Natasha
- Moe's Tavern Shopper
- Brought to you by white-hot Mike Muyres
- Don't look directly at him
- You'll burn your retinas
He's baaaaa-aaaack
For one glorious week at least, Mike Muyres came out of semi-retirement and led Team Moe's to a stirring victory. His months of coaching midget soccer, where everyone's a winner and every game's a tie, didn't detract from the joy he took in help us crush the orange team (no pun intended).
Did I say stirring victory?
What I meant was, "utter demolition half of us slept through." I remember the dark days when Moe's Tavern went two whole seasons without a regular season win. But I just can't bring myself to believe that we ever were as totally feckless, assless and hopeless as that team. At the beginning of the season it was sort of fun to play them because they smiled a lot. Now, they just look bitter and vaguly disinterested. They're like Nicholas Cage in Leaving Las Vegas. Only not as compelling. And probably not as drunk.
The who and the how and the what and the when
Marty and Steve were both off campaigning for human rights or some such nonsense this week. As a result, Sean pulled recruitment duty again. Apparently, Jason the funky Canadian has become Jason the cranky Canadian and won't return Sean's phone calls. Sean thinks it's because he told him to shoot more. I don't know, maybe his cultish Canada shirt was dirty. Anyway, Sean's friend AJ tended goal for us while Sean played forward with Jimmy. That was kinda weird, but very effective. The Eminem line also proved highly successful.
Quote of the Game
Carmella: "I really shouldn't play when I'm this hungover."
Runner-up Quote of the Game
Carmella: "This gym's too sweaty."
Unsolicited Endorsement of the Week
May I just take the opportunity to say that Linda McCartney is the finest dead vegetarian chef ever? Her microwave meals have the same nutritional value as a thumb tack, but dang is they tasty!
Keystone Light Player of the Game
Casey. In case you were off communing with nature or some such nonsense this week, here's a recap of Casey's crowning achievement: Late in the second half, Casey and Sweeney are playing forward. Sweeney digs the puck out from the back boards, feathers a pass over to Casey about 5 feet in front of the net. Casey fires a one timer, bam! She buries it. No offense to the other Moe's all-stars, but that was the prettiest goal of the day.
Next week
We're on at 2:00. Opponents: the Black Wings. We beat them last time. Please tell Moe if you're not going to make it.
Threepeat
I am so totally Shoppered out right now. I'm running out of inspiration and cheap journalistic tricks. I mean, I love this team, but when you remorselessly club the ass off your opponents each week, it gets kinda old. So who's up next week? (I vote Jimmy.)