By Natasha

• Moe's Tavern Shopper
  
• The hollow game edition
  
• Brought to you by the referee
  
• Bwah ha ha ha ha
  
• Hoo-ha hee hee hee
  
• There is no referee, suckah!
  

Shape without form, shade without color
Sometimes a hockey scrimmage on a Sunday afternoon can be one of life's little treasures. But when you're playing Joseph and the Amazing Technicolorless Hockey Asses, they will find a way to suck all of the fun out of the occasion like a lamprey latched onto a Coho salmon. Tactic one in their relentless suck onslaught: trying to convince Steve that the game would count despite the previously-noted reflessness. Steve correctly pointed out that aside from being wrong, they were also stupid because if the game did count they would forfeit since they had no women on their team because they are creepy and women avoid them. No, Steve didn't really say all that, because Steve would never speak in run-on sentences like I would when I'm creeped out by the other team.

Tactic the second in the RSO: refusing, under any and all circumstances, to smile, even when engaged in needless showboating. Did anyone else notice that before the game, they didn't speak to one another? Did anyone else think that was a little, you know, creepy? It's like they're trying to ignore themselves to death, and they don't care how many innocent victims get taken down with them. Which begs the obvious question, if a tree falls in the forest, could it possibly be less interesting than these people?

Eyes I dare not meet in dreams
The final salvo in JATHA's relentless suck onslaught: they dispatched Evil Chris Brown (codename: Cuddles) to dispose of Cate and me because clearly our bold displays of humor and cheerfulness threatened their plans for global domination. Upon noting that the drinking fountain at the far end of the gym had been removed, Cuddles fixed us with his glacial gaze and said, "can you imagine if someone had run into that drinking fountain WITH THEIR FACE? well, can you? PICTURE IT IN YOUR MIND." The frenzied arch of his eyebrows seemed to suggest that he was actually trying to transmit some bloodied picture of drinking fountain carnage from his mind to ours, and that -- seeing how we had not collapsed in spasms at the horror of it all -- he was disgusted by his own failure. We did stop laughing, though, so chalk one up for Cuddles.

Keystone Light Player of the Game
This is a tough award to give this week because, just to review, the game did not count. We made good use of the non-countiness to get used to each other's playing styles. I thought Jim and Cindy were big contributors right off the bat. Our super-subs, Jake, Bob and Cate, were also terrific. Steve continues to impress with his playmaking. However, I'm going to give the award to Virginia because she's in better shape than everyone else on the team will ever be. And if I shunned her and tried to run away, she's probably catch me, kick my ass, and then keep running for another 20 miles or so.

This week's game
We are on at 2:00 p.m. this week, playing BW#'s Thunder Struck, which I assume is the latest incarnation of BW3s, now with more unnecessary use of the shift key. I can't say those guys are any less creepy than JATHA, but at least Ted's always good for a giggle. If you can't make it to the game, please let Steve know so he can activate a super-sub. And until then, the balcony is closed.

-nj out