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By Natasha
- Moe's Tavern Shopper
- The Issue with Issues
- Brought to you by Kid Kanada
- And his ridiculous gold lame shorts
Issues!
It's been a struggle for me all season to understand my abiding dislike for all things JATHA. After all, they don't cheat. They don't play an overly-physical game. Sure, they're not exactly friendly, but they don't come off as actively rude either. Yet something about them makes me want to run home and lock all my doors and windows. And bathe. In my dishwasher, to make sure I reach a sanitizing temperature. And then punch something and scream and maybe cry a little bit. Why is that? Our last game against them did wonders for me in terms of analyzing the pathology. After much thoughtful consideration, I give you the following theory as to why I find JATHA so distasteful:
They're a bunch of snotty buttwipes.
Now I'm not talking about the JATHA women. They are creatures so subtle and unthreatening they have glanced off my consciousness like skipping stones, leaving concentric circles of gentle ripples that are quickly overpowered by the clamor of other mental noise. I don't mean their goalie, who we know from experience it's all that good. I'm not even talking about creepy little the-best-thing-about-kids-is-makin'-em Jimmy, who meets the buttwipe criteria but not really the snotty. No. I'm talking about:
Kid Kanada
Even before the emergence of the Enforcers all-star team, his stuck-up
attitude bugged me. He has a very specific posture. He keeps his shoulders
slightly raised to suggest that he is involuntarily shuddering at the very
thought of other people. This in turn locks his head at such an angle that
he literally looks down his nose at everyone. More disturbing is the fact
that his ridiculous gold shorts adopt the same stance, staring down their --
I don't know -- leg holes at you.
Cuddles
It's not every day that I yell "shut up, you big baby," at someone. Maybe
every other day. But it just struck me that he wasn't whining and moaning
because he honestly felt wronged. No, he was whining and moaning because he
wasn't getting his way. Not only does he think he's the best thing that
every happened to hockey, he gets incredibly upset when other people fail to
recognize that. After all, if we really appreciated what a hockey savant he
is, we'd just lay down our sticks and weep softly at his beauty. Well,
Cuddles, you're not that great. In fact, we kept you pretty well contained
the whole game. So don't flaunt that obnoxious attitude before the buttock
of doom. Because the buttock of doom? Don't want to hear it.
Captain Ball-Hog
Have you ever played Resident Evil? You know the dead-eyed stare that all
the zombies have, like they can't decide if they want to ignore you or eat
you? That's him.
The Aryan Avenger
I'm still not over his antics from Game 1. He also has the unenviable
distinction of being the least-sociable member of a team that makes Mount
Rushmore seem chatty by comparison.
We're not alone
Now that we've examined just how thoroughly unlikable Team Snotty Buttwipe
is, I'd like to share with you all a moment from the game. It was late in
the second half. We were down by one goal and had pulled Sean for the extra
attacker. I cheated back toward our goal, just in case. Somehow, KK broke
through with the ball and fired a shot at me. And you know what? That shot
landed right on my stick. I just flipped it to Casey and she started the
rush back. I've only seen that happen once in real life, in the 1997 Western
Conference Finals when Lidstrom stopped a Forsberg shot in Game 5 to keep
the Wings alive. And the same thought occurred to me both times: the laws of
physics and probability can't stand the other team either!
Player of the Game
Jim. He had the first goal, providing us with the satisfaction of having the
lead against TSBW. He also had at least one assist that I saw.
Moes Rides Again, Part 1
We have a game this Sunday! We're on at 1:00. I'm guessing we play Tom's
team again, since we've met everybody else twice. As I said in the last
Shopper, I firmly believe we can win.
Get yer hate on
The following Sunday is the playoffs. Chances are we will be facing TSBW at
some point. Just remember how funny it was to watch them not beating the
crap out of us. Think how hilarious it would be if we beat them. Think how
much warmer those championship sweatshirts would feel. After all, the laws
of physics and thermal dynamics are on our side.
Moes Rides Again, Part 2
In today's me-Moe, our team captain has informed me that the new season
starts up January 18. Please let Moe know if you intend to join us for the
next chapter of Tavern lore. If we can nail down the roster quickly enough,
we may get an early registration discount.
That's all the Shoppering joy for today, children.
-nj out